I wrote this article nearly two months ago and it has taken me that long to be brave enough to post it. Someone said to me recently that “It’s not about trying harder – it’s about trusting more.”
So, here’s to trusting more – This is my testimony.
I was blessed to grow up in a God-centered household. I had family in the ministry and I went to a Catholic school. I believed in God and I spoke to Him like a friend daily. I trusted Him with every part of my soul, but during college, I experienced things that shook my faith and made me wonder if God was real. If He was real then how could such awful things happen? If He is supposed to always be there, then where was He now?
I began to explore Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, meditation, and general spiritualism in search of answers, but I couldn’t shake this feeling inside of me that not only was God real, but that Jesus was too. However, I had a hard time accepting what that meant.
I had lived a life away from God for nearly 10 years, before I went to Central Church on November 27, 2016.
I’ll be honest – I was terrified. I had been invited by a friend that sings on the worship team, but I had no idea what I was getting my Catholic-self into. There was a guy smiling and waving at me as I drove into the parking lot. There were two people who opened the door for me who were as excited to see me as my best friends. There was coffee and donuts that apparently I didn’t have to pay for, and someone even gave me a free gift bag with an air freshener for my car… just because I showed up.
I looked around and I felt so much love and support. I saw people who went to church and got involved in their church because they seemed to really want to be there – not just because it was Sunday and that’s what you’re supposed to do on Sundays. I met incredible, Christ-centered and generous people, but I kept thinking that this was way too good to be true.
Little did I know that I happened to show up on the first weekend of a new message series, Seasons. I have never cried so hard in my entire life in a church. I remember sitting in the back and running out of there as quickly as I could only to sit in my car and cry for another solid half hour after the service.
I’ll never forget when Pastor Dan asked the questions: What are the desires of your heart? What is it that you want? What door are you hoping will be opened?
As tears streamed down my face I found myself saying I just want to know God again. I just want to grow back into my faith and walk with Jesus.
The past 10 months have been some of the hardest months of my life. I’d dare say even more difficult than the moments that made me question my faith in the first place, but this time something was different.
I found myself looking to God for the answers, instead of blaming him for the questions.
I found myself hearing God’s voice in my life again for the first time in over 10 years.
Where am I going? What does He have planned for me? Only He knows, but I’ve witnessed Him change my heart and my love for those around me. Some of my friendships and relationships have grown stronger, and some of them have wilted away, but my faith and trust in Him has only deepened. Letting go with an inexplicable calmness and conviction has become a new way of living as challenge after challenge has been thrown my way.
And through it all, the only words I can find are thank you God, amen.