This past year I’ve started to hear that clock ticking in the back of my mind. And no, not for children, but for that part that comes before all of that – a partner in crime.
Dr. Seuss once said, “How did it get so late so soon?”
In my entire almost 29 trips around the sun I’ve never had a boyfriend. I mean, I guess that puppy love in high school that lasted one Valentine’s Day could be called a boyfriend. Ok, and maybe that guy in college who shall never be named called me his girlfriend – he also called the other girls he was dating his girlfriends… I digress.
I’m sure I could have dated a lot of people if I had wanted to, but I didn’t want to waste my time. On multiple occasions I recall thinking, ‘yeah, this could work for a little while,’ but I never felt the need to fill a void temporarily with something that wouldn’t last. I grew confident in my independence and before I knew it I had built walls so high that there was no climbing them.
I realized that I was part of the problem. I know it’s a crazy concept, but you kind of have to let people get close to you if you want to fall in love. I realized that taking down that wall was going to have to start with me.
I’ve tried Bumble and Tinder, but honestly, it just feels so superficial. It’s like, shizz you’re hot and you’re not. I mean, I believe attraction is incredibly important, but it has to be more than that – if it all works out, you’ve got to love them even after the looks fade. If you’re rolling your eyes and saying, ‘Erika, those apps aren’t about relationships…,’ I hear you. I can’t tell you how many eggplant pictures I’ve received the second I gave my phone number out.
I feel like the game is only getting more difficult and complicated the longer I stay in it. But you know what hurts the most? When people say things like: Why are you single? I don’t understand why you haven’t found someone yet. You’ll meet someone eventually. It will happen when it’s supposed to.
I know everyone thinks they’re being supportive, but asking why I’m single is like echoing my own thoughts. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started crying watching a TV show on my couch with a glass of wine in my hand when someone says something romantic. I’m sobbing and asking God why no one loves me like that, or why I’m still alone. So, no, I don’t need you to ask me why I’m single. I’ve asked enough for all of us.
As I get older, I find myself wondering who it’s going to be. I live in a little big town where I’m pretty sure I’ve already met all the prospects. All the cute ones are married or simply not the kind of men you bring home to your parents. I also have zero interest in being with someone that half of the town has already been with too. #SmallTownProblems
The hopeless romantic in me would love to think that my first great love could be my last, but the realistic side of me knows that’s not usually how it works. Usually you get your heart broken once or twice. You get burned and you grow. As Alanis would say, you live; you learn.
So what do I want?
I want a best friend and a love that lasts a lifetime. I want someone who sees my flaws and finds them charming. I want someone that can put up with my sass when I’m flustered. I want someone that loves his family and my family. I want someone who puts family and God above all other things. I want someone who wants to work it out even when we want to kill each other. I want someone that can admit when they’re wrong. I want someone that is successful and can provide a lifestyle like the one I had growing up. I want someone who wants to travel. I want someone that loves animals as much (or almost as much) as I do. I want someone that challenges me to be better. I want someone that enjoys being active and outdoors, but can cuddle up with some Netflix too. I want someone that can make me laugh. I want someone that looks at me like my dog does – with an endless love that comes without strings attached. I want someone that likes dance-offs in the kitchen while doing dishes. I want someone that exceeds my expectations. I want someone that buys me flowers all year, not just because it’s a holiday. I want someone that dreams of being the best father in the world to his children. I want someone loyal. I want the kind of passion that most people only dream of – and a trust that’s never doubted. I want someone that wants to do Sundays that consist of God, family and football.
A girl can dream.
But, in the meantime, you can find me drinking wine and watching Netflix with my dog while making the most ridiculous Snapchat (ecamden21) stories you’ve ever seen.